#DivorceSucks
November 2021
Years ago I sat staring at the image of a friend in tears with the hashtag “divorce sucks” following her post.
I frowned and tried to empathize. I could see her pain and I hated it for her. She is and was a sweet woman. I am happy to report her pictures now smile and glow, but back then she was broken. I must have made some comment about her strength and loving her because that’s what I do. I probably double-tapped. I had absolutely no idea what that post would come to mean in the years that followed.
My friend was raw and open and real. She was vulnerable and hurting and exposed. She was a foreshadowing of this day and I think a part of me knew it back then.
Today I read words that told me I might spend the first ever Christmas without my youngest child. I wouldn’t spend the night making the “magic” happen. I wouldn’t see his excited eyes when he looked for Santa presents. In the 24 years I have been a mom, I have never spent a holiday away from a child. Those 24 years encompass my entire adult life.
My. Entire. Adult. Life.
I was a young mom. Too young, really. But man, did I make some amazing people. They are the reason I exist, without a doubt. All 5 of them! No regrets. Now a legal document says I don’t get to be with my baby this Christmas? The air is sucked out of my lungs. I can’t compartmentalize this one. My bell is rung and I sob out loud. I decide to take a picture when I have cried all the tears I have. “Remember this,” I whisper to my soul. “Remember the cost and the fire that forged you.”
That sweet boy will have gifts, I’m sure. I will smile and excitedly share in his joy as he tells me about his fun when I finally get to see his beautiful, almond eyes again. He won’t see this part where I cry because he deserves every bit of excitement and magic a child can bear. He won’t see this because my sins are mine to atone for. He won’t get my pain because his happiness means SO much more!
But for me…there is now a hashtag. I’m putting this here for future me and perhaps, future you. Because as much as I believe this is the best and only way forward…
#divorcesucks
